Today marks the 10 year anniversary of “Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones.” Lord knows George Lucas has taken his share of abuse for the prequel trilogy, much of it deserved. Personally, I’d never had such high hopes for something that turned out to be such a crushing disappointment since I lost my virginity. Except “Episode 2″ lasted 1:59:30 longer.
Still there’s one thing no parent can deny: Kids love these things. Boba Fett and Jango Fett have major cult status among the preteen crowd. The dizzying, actiony battle sequences. Mace Windu. Count Dooku. Kickass, fully mobile Yoda. The CGI creatures. Between my two sons I’ve seen these things literally dozens of times and I have to admit, technically they’re marvels. Visually stunning. The problem comes when you AREN’T watching. Just listening. Then you fully appreciate what a horrible missed opportunity the second trilogy was.
A while back I had the misfortune of driving the Griswold Family Truckster while my son watched “Attack of the Clones.” And by not seeing the visuals but just listening, it hit me that this could be the worst screenplay any major studio release has had in our lifetimes. Just abysmally bad. An F in any freshman Film Studies class:
Anakin Skywalker: Don’t say that Master… You’re the closest thing I have to a father… I love you. I don’t want to cause you pain.
Anakin struggles with his >ahem< “emotions”:
…but then demonstrates his emotional range:
Yoda’s tortured syntax:
“Track down this bounty hunter, you must.”
Madcap hijinks out of annoying side characters:
C-3PO: This is such a drag!
[his head is placed next to his body]
C-3PO: I’m quite beside myself!
Jar Jar Binks: Senators. Dellow feligates…
Dullest smack talk ever:
Count Dooku: As you can see, my Jedi powers are far beyond yours. Now, back down.
Obi-Wan: I don’t think so.
The future Dark Lord of the galaxy, apparently working on his Twilight fan fiction:
Flirting so bad you wish the Death Star would swing by and blow the planet to bits before they say another word:
Padme: Ani, you’ll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine.
And for my money, the most chalk-on-a-blackboard quote in movie history:
Ten years isn’t enough time to deaden the pain. Compare any of those quotes to anything that came out of the mouths of Luke, Han or Leia and weep. In “AotC”‘s defense though, it did give the world Natalie Portman with half her shirt ripped off. There are no words for that: