If you’re anything like me- and by that I mean, you’re not female or an effeminate, British tabloid journalist- then you’re pretty much fed up with the Royal Baby Watch. I mean, I like babies and all. Especially the kinds of babies that I don’t have to change, feed, clean up after or put through college; meaning someone else’s babies. But you’ll pardon me if I don’t care about this particular kid. Accuse me of holding a grudge all you want, but I’ve got a thing against babies whose ancestors tried to starve my ancestors out of existence. I’m funny like that. Kati Klotz’ baby I can’t wait to see. But when it comes to this little brat, count me Royal Baby Watched out.
But it’s not like I don’t have a heart. I’m just bored with the same old coverage. You can’t turn on the morning news to check the weather or see which NFL players got arrested over night without the same crooked-teethed fops parked outside the hospital and prattling on trying to fill dead air because there’s nothing to report. So here are my terms. If they want me to be interested in the Royal Rugrat’s birth, I want it done movie style:
The News Coverage:
Yahoo – A breastfeeding mother at a pizza restaurant got the surprise of her life when she received a free pizza and a kind note on her receipt from a waitress.
More on Yahoo! Shine: Country Club Snubs Breastfeeding Mom
Jackie Johnson-Smith, 33, a stay-at-home mother from Ankeny, Iowa was celebrating her 33rd birthday on Sunday at Fong’s Pizza in Des Moines with her husband and their three kids, ages 4, 3, and 12 months, when her youngest started fussing. “I usually don’t go downtown for dinner because lots of places aren’t family-friendly but I had heard good things about Fong’s,” Johnson-Smith told Yahoo! Shine. “It was chaotic—I had one kid licking the honey container on the table, another standing on his chair, and my baby was fussing.”
We have all seen this one before, mom breastfeeds in public, everyone gets all excited. How old was that kid in the picture though? 48 months? I kid, I kid… really though.
LA Times – In terms of the swath it cut through social media, “Sharknado” was an epic F5, even if the ratings barely kicked up a cloud of dust.
Syfy’s latest schlocky made-for-TV guilty pleasure struck Twitter on Thursday like, well, a swirling cyclone of bloodthirsty fish. In fact, the network said that at its peak the corny B-movie about a shark-laden tornado that devastates Los Angeles was hurling nearly 5,000 tweets a minute. Bosses announced plans for an encore next week and mulled a possible sequel.
And yet the ratings? “Sharknado” hit 1.4 million total viewers — no better than Syfy’s typical draw for such a movie. NBC gathered an audience nearly three times as large with “Hollywood Game Night” — itself no ratings monster.
If you missed seeing it on SyFy, then you missed probably the most epic bad movie you will ever see since Gigli. Missed it? Well, here is the only scene you need to see, along with the best quote from it (no, don’t search our database for Sharknado, you won’t find it… ever).
Gotta say, I’m liking Van Der Beek’s sudden rise from mediocrity to the forefront of my television screen. Still maybe the most penultimate “up yours, Dad” film moment of the late 90′s. While Bud Kilmer basically plays himself on Ray Donovan and Tweeder plays himself on Hawaii 5-0, it’s nice to see Van Der Beek taking himself and his career for what it is: in the past. One can only hope that Billy Bob is still alive.
Wait, Billy Bob’s alive and healthy? Literally the biggest career move of the entire cast.
“Today, we celebrate, our INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!”