Movie Quotes for Ashton Kutcher

How hard can it be?

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Did you even consider marrying me?

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Oh, shit. I’m sorry.

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What are you going to do?

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Ok. I don’t know what to say. You’re calling me because you’re at your sister’s wedding and she looks happy and everyone is happy and you’re not

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I can’t keep doing this. I’m not gonna see you again.

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I’ll tell him you said that.

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Ha ha! you’re funny. I was like, No way and then I was like Uh-huh! Ha ha ha ha!

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That’s just it, she’s everything I’m not. You know, she’s my other half. Without her I’m not whole. You know the thing about meeting your other half is you’re walking around, you think you’re happy, you think you’re whole, then you realize you ain’t shit without her. Then you can’t go back to being just a half ’cause you know what it’s like to be whole.

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Isn’t that against your Hypocratic Oath?

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You too, Mr. Jones.

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Did you look at it?

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You know what? Just help me. These are really powerful painkillers. I can’t feel anything.

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If she gets on the plane, she’s gonna find out the hard way that the guy that she thinks she’s in love with is a spineless lying creep!

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Hey, I took you out of the garage. You should thank me.

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Yeah. Fuck this.

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Yes. What is it?

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Twelve kids…that’s nuts.

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You eat like a baby dinosaur; you don’t even chew.

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What? No. I’m not going to hit you. I don’t want to hurt you.

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Hey, Boog! Look, no hands! Though I think I’m getting a sunburn.

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No, it is no good. And I can’t let that happen. Because this girl, she is great! She’s like…like sunshine. Everything is better when she’s there. I can’t stand the idea of some jerk hurting her, I just can’t. I can’t.

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I’m just giving you what you want, baby.

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Yeah, I could do that.

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I may have. Because you’re women. And I think that’s a beautiful thing. Oh…

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How did you and your wife get it so right?

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And your acorns, too!

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I’m assuming that’s a good thing.

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And he’s a good dancer. We’re gonna be in a show.

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I’m warning you, if you take one step closer, I’m never letting you go.

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Okay, Forest 101: These tall stick things are called trees. The big rocks are called mountains and the little rocks are their babies.

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Where’s the one place where you can step up and be a man?

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What are three things a black guy can’t get? A black eye, a fat lip and a job.

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All I’m saying is families are inevitable they’re like death or taxes.

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Did you not hear me? I’m on TV!

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Did I, by chance, leave my pants in your room?

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You know, I don’t want to freak you out, but I’d love to hang out with you in the daytime sometime.

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Wait, don’t tell me, I know this one…

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I come in peace.

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Yeah. I felt that.

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I thought I was your best friend.

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Thats nothing! Half doe, half buck! I’m a duck!

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Once there was a magical elf who lived in a rainbow tree/ He lived downstairs from a flatulent dwarf who constantly had to pee/ One day the elf could take no more/ so he went to bang on the rude dwarf’s door/ and what do you know they suddenly both were marrrrried.

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I understand what’s going on. You’re all on the same cycle. This is very exciting. Your uterine walls will be shedding for the next three to five days.

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Because every time they say hoe-down they think their sister got shot!

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You knew you were gonna kick me out a week ago?

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Oh, I was just going to say that.

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Every once in a while, I carve a pumpkin with a knife made of lollipop sticks…

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So, did I just pass out on your couch?

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Go on a date with me.

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You have a very nice house, Mrs. Jones.

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Normally I would remember the name of someone that I’ve

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Fuck you!

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Love is the only shocking act left on the planet.

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You can’t just suddenly call me and say you miss me!

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Babe, you’re acting like I have cheated on you, and I have never cheated on you. Except for that one time, with myself, and you caught me.

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You’re crazy. I felt like Flava-Flav.

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Jack off!, I actually like that

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Or maybe it’s a moonburn. Check it out.

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Well, I can’t date you either. You’re not my dad’s type.

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I know how hot she is.

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You did a good job, so…I thought you deserved a balloon.

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You ready for this?

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Hey, don’t get hit by a bus

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You know the ones that nobody wants?

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Show us your GRRR face, nature boy!

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And the old man is quick enough to think of a comeback

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This is the moneymaker! I’m not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs, I know that.

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You’re an asshole.

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I shook my dick at you?

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I have to thank my wife Joy. She probably never told you all the story about how we met. It might come as a surprise to many of you that we didn’t know each other for very long before we got hitched. What can I say – when you know, you know.

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They set me on fire.

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Yeah, most chaps throw them away. I like the idea that tomorrow somebody’s going to see them floating by, wonder where they come from, behind the mystery of it all. I used to, actually, put them together and practice new designs with them and drop them off at a random doorstep with notes in it: Somebody out there loves you. And they get to thinking What if they found out that somebody me? Would they want me to be the one that loves them?

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Go on. Its just like riding a bicycle, only…you’re crapping on it.

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I don’t know yet

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Can you hurry up?

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You don’t keep inklings to yourself! You share them! You’re like hey guy, I got an inkling you’re headed for a fall here! That’s what friends do, that’s common knowledge, it’s in the damn handbook!

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Trust me, you know the day I met you Ian kicked me out of the herd, I lost my antler, I got run over, and tied to the hood of a truck. What do you call that?

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Look at me! I’m a doe and I’m a buck. I’m a DUCK!

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Dad, I am your son.

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My dad invited me to dinner and he’s bringing Vanessa. You have to come with me.

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That’s a stripper song.

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Good thing we have a ton of money!

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. Or do, whatever.

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No, do not call me to say you miss me. Do not text me, do not e-mail me…do not write it on my wall! If you really miss me, come here and tell me that!

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I did take myself out of the game. If you stop betting, you never have to lose.

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To help soothe your womb.

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That’s what I’m doing here. Because apparently everyone and their mother felt that way but nobody had the guts to tell me. And now, I’m left with some stupid ring and an empty closet and an ache in my gut the size of Texas because nobody told me.

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I killed a man!

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Your parents, wait, hold on, wait a second, just because your parents had a bad divorce doesn’t mean that you’re going to have a bad divorce. They’re not hereditary, it’s not like it’s contagious.

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When I was a kid, most of the advice that my dad gave me was crap. But there’s one thing that he said that was pure genius…he said, if you’re ever with a girl that’s too good for you, marry her.

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We’re sex friends.

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Come on, it’s one date. Just do it.

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Don’t call my penis cute. Even if it’s dressed up as a Care Bear and it’s giving you a care stare.

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Cir-cle. One time around.

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I wanna see your sexy body go BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!

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…We got robbed. All they took was the door.

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You told me to.

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Friends with benefits. Fuck buddies.

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You know, I’ve been thinking, we should have a secret handshake, and like nicknames and stuff. Like, I can call you Boogster, and you can call me the Incredible Mr. E. You like that? I just made it up.

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I have a glass eye.

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She is not my girlfriend.

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Emma. We didn’t break up. We never started. Look, I gotta go. I’m still at work. Have fun at the wedding and tell your sister congratulations for me. Bye.

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So, what’s up with not calling me back?

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I also made you this.

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So your name is Dick Banger! Dick Banger! Dick Banger!, you my friend have supplied us with jokes for the whole weekend.

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If you stop betting, you never have to lose.

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What am I going to do about money?

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Yuck. Yuck. Yuck! It’s terrible and wonderful at the same time! It’s like freedom in a cup!

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I call them Woo-hoos. Like in…WOO-HOO!

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Do what?

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Don’t look now, but I see a little bush with your name written all over it.

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Yeah. I’ve never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and…they get their shot.

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I get it. You’re like a pet.

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I’d rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don’t love.

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Why can’t black people listen to country music?

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Listen, I want you to know that I respect you.

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You know, if Theresa had told me you guys were black it really could have saved us an awkward situation.

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I thought log was a colour.

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Will to be married to me…again?

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All right okay, what about all that talk about my dignity?

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What’s the greatest love song of all time?

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Oh yeah, this is really happening. Oh, and it’s your day for dishes.

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Hey, you can’t call me and tell me that you miss me. I don’t want to have that conversation on the phone. So you can’t text me and you can’t e-mail me and you can’t write on my wall. Like, if you really miss me, you need to grow up and get in your car and come and see me.

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I feel a little light-headed.

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Ian’s right, I’m a loser

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It’s perfect. Will you read it for me?

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So, you guys popping another one anytime soon?

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It’s gettin’ so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi…

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It’s like you’re trying to come in first, but it’s someone else’s race.

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Hold on a second, your name is Richard Banger?

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