Movie Quotes for Alan Ford

Oh, shut up, Errol. Get back in your fucking pram. Tony, ain’t you house-trained?

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Well, where’d you lose him? He ain’t a set of fucking car keys, is he? And it ain’t as if he’s incon-fucking-spicuous now, is it?

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Pull your tongue out of my arsehole, Gary. Dogs do that. You’re not a dog, are ya Gary?

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You’re a ruthless little cunt, Liam, I’ll give you that. But I’ve got no time for grassers.

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Are you taking the piss?

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You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.

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You’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.

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And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it?

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Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.

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Turkish, put a lid on her.

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Do you know these tits, Errol?

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It was a rhetorical question, Errol. What have I told you about thinking?

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Of course, fucking of course. I wasn’t asking, I was telling.

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I don’t care if he’s Muhammad “I’m hard” Bruce Lee. You can’t change fighters.

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You’re not much use to me alive are you, Turkish?

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Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt…me.

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In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary…come again?

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No thank you, Turkish; I’m sweet enough.

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Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.

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